(For those that don’t know, the term “facepalm” is used when someone says something so stupid, so dumb, that your only response is to cover your face with your hand. Because knowledge is power!)
I’m not a violent person. When I get frustrated, I don’t get into fights or start kicking puppies. I deal with my anger constructively: I grab a pint of Chunky Munky and watch a So You Think You Can Dance? marathon. But everyone has their limits, their threshold, their boiling point. I’ve found mine. Which is why, should I ever come without striking distance of Fox Sports announcer Tim McCarver, I don’t think I could stop myself from punching him in the throat. Sure, there would be criminal charges, but at least that fool would stop talking.
I have no evidence to corroborate this claim (and I really don’t care, this is a rant, not a thesis), but Tim McCarver has to be the worst announcer in the history of baseball. Unless Rain Man or Fran Drescher have appeared in the announcer’s booth without my knowledge, Tim McCarver cannot be topped. I know there are many people that have problems with announcers like Ken “Hawk” Harrelson being more a cheerleader than an actual announcer, but I’m not one of them. I could listen to that man say “Chopper two hopper!” all day, which is fortunate because he will absolutely say it all day.
Hawk is like that crazy uncle everyone claims to have: he obviously has a few screws rattling around upstairs, but his stories are funny (even if you know they aren’t true) and his delivery is priceless. McCarver, on the other hand, is more like the senile grandparent who never seems to realize what’s going on, yet keeps on talking as if someone is listening. What is this guy’s deal? He has become the bane of the postseason, but somehow Fox can’t find a better broadcaster to replace him? This is a man who didn’t stop to think that comparing the Yankee organization’s treatment of Joe Torre to the Third Reich might be a little, I don’t know, tasteless. The same man who, when he apologized for said comment, sort of forgot to actually apologize.
But that comment isn’t the reason for this rant. Whether it’s butchering a Latin player’s name, telling a story that has nothing to do with baseball, or just not knowing the rules of the game, Tim McCarver says dumb things on a frighteningly regular basis. I did a little searching to find some of the stupider things McCarver has said during his time announcing baseball games (and believe me, there are a lot of them). Here are some of my favorites:
2005 World Series, Game 4: “Roy Oswalt is a drop and drive pitcher. What is a drop and drive pitcher? He is a guy who drops and drives. Very simple.”
Same game (which went 14 innings): “In the time it’s taken to play this game you could have flown from Baltimore to Iceland.”
1993 World Series: “Watch Darren Daulton use his mitt like a glove.”
2002 ALCS (Following a Giambi walk): “Giambi walks too much. He’s always clogging up the bases with all that walking.”
2003 World Series: “Beckett’s retired 19 batters through 6 1/3 innings. He’s having a phenomenal night.” (Try and find a pitcher who went 6 1/3 and didn’t retire 19 batters, regardless of the night he had. Go ahead, I’ll wait.)
“One thing about ground balls: they don’t go out of the ballpark.”
“A walk is as good as a homerun.”
And, finally, my favorite…
(Following a David Ortiz home run in the 2004 ALCS): “Mount Everest erupts again!” (*facepalm*)
Also, I think Family Guy really nailed the idiocy of McCarver with this flashback