A Petition to the Philadelphia Phillies

Let me start by saying congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies for sneaking out of the bushes and assaulting the hopes and dreams of not one, but two franchises. My condolences to the Rangers, but nothing fills me with the Christmas spirit quite like seeing the Yankees fail. With that said, I’d like speak directly to the Phillies. Excuse me, dear reader, while I make a plea.

Dear Phillies,

Wow, Cliff Lee. Nice job. That means you’ve got the reigning NL Cy Young Award winner (Roy Halladay), a career 150-83 pitcher (Roy Oswalt), the ’08 NLCS and WS MVP (Cole Hamels), and now a man who had a 10.28 K/BB ratio last year (Lee). However, all that talent comes at a price. Those four alone will be raking in over 55 million dollars of your money next year (I think. My math is awful). But I have a cost-cutting solution that will benefit both of us…

…Make me your 5th starter. Your alternatives aren’t too promising. Do you really want to pay Joe Blanton 3 million dollars? He had a 4.82 ERA last year, to go along with a robust 1.42 WHIP. Not only that, but lunchbox gave up 27 home runs in 175 innings. How he managed to end the season with a winning record is beyond me—oh right, he plays for the Phillies.

In a move demonstrating the organization’s intelligence, you cut ties with Jamie Moyer after spending 8 million dollars on a 4.84 ERA and 9-9 record in 2010. Demonstrating the effect dimensia and senility can have on the elderly, Moyer recently underwent Tommy John surgery to attempt a comeback in 2012. I honestly thought that was a joke when I read it. Did you know he was awarded a Purple Heart during Operation Market Garden? True story (editor’s note: not a true story). The man is old, is what I’m trying to get at here.

Look at me, on the other hand. I’m half his age, can throw at about the same velocity, and you won’t spend surplus money on Depends and Metamucil. Plus, I won’t charge you millions of dollars. League minimum is more than enough. Hell, as long as you pay my travel expenses and provide cheese and crackers for dinner, I’ll be happy as a clam. Since you have so much money tied up in those four excellent pitchers, you need to think about cutting costs elsewhere, such as the 5th starter. You’re team is going to win 95 games no matter who you throw out there. It might as well be me. I even have the credentials to back this up: I pitched at a DIII college for four years. My career record was 19-10. I set the school record for innings pitched in a season, so you know I’m durable.

I hope my argument has been persuasive. I’ve always wanted to pitch in the Major Leagues, and I feel like this is my best chance. It’s also a great chance for you, the Phillies, to save some money and make a dream come true. So whaddayasay?

Fondly,

Ryan Harris