What an Asshole: The Arizona Diamondbacks’ Bullpen

Chad Qualls

It’s really a shame that the Diamondbacks’ season has gone the way that it has thus far because I actually enjoy watching them on tv and listening to Mark Grace’s drunken tangents.  Luckily I haven’t caught too many games over the past week, but based upon both the highlights I’ve seen and articles I’ve read, I’m sure that Gracie has been getting a little extra sauced.  I don’t blame him.  I know that I would be too if I were watching a bunch of asshole, “relief pitchers,” continue to blow leads.  Headed by the once-reliable-turned-atrocious Chad Qualls(4 BS, 8.46 ERA), the D’backs bullpen is currently leading the National League in appearances…appearances by assholes.  Entering Thursday, the bullpen had recorded only 13 saves while blowing 12– that’s right, they almost have as many blown saves as they do saves.  What assholes.

With a 26-40 record, the Diamondbacks’ are 12 games behind the Dodgers and Padres and have become the armpit of the N.L. West.  Even if they had a decent bullpen, I don’t necessarily believe that they would be a contender.  However, they could easily be the type of team that they have been in previous years: a youthful, scrappy team that always manages to flirt with the wildcard spot or at least act as a spoiler for other teams.  It’s clear that this season is already a different story.

Regardless of how great their starters(Dan Haren, Edwin Jackson, Ian Kennedy) have been and might continue to be, their individual success, as well as the success of the organization, is repeatedly placed in the hands of assholes.  The Diamondbacks bullpen currently sports a nauseating 7.21 ERA, a mark that is dead last in the league and more than a run and half higher than the Brewers’ 5.67.  In 172.1 innings, they have given up an impressive 138 earned runs, a stat fueled by a group of pitchers that must be referred to as “The Assholes in the Bullpen.”  Not even Danny Glover wants to associate himself with these human brown-eyes.

If you’re a Diamondbacks fan, I must offer the disclaimer that the next series of stats may be difficult to stomach- just don’t say that I didn’t warn you.  Opposing hitters are making the most of every opportunity that they get to face the most ineffective bullpen in baseball.  Much like their league worst ERA, the D’Backs bullpen is dead last in opponent OPS(.892- .385 OBP and .506 SLG), BAA(.304) and home runs(33).  Gross.  On top of it all, this bullpen boasts a 131/95 K/BB ratio.  Not only are these pitchers consistently issuing free passes, they are serving up game-changing hits- often for extra bases- after doing so.

And now, for the million dollar question: what should the Diamondbacks do to improve their situation?  I’ve got the answer, but I don’t know if you’re ready for it; you’re going to feel like an idiot once you see how clear it is.  Ready?

Stop giving the ball to fucking Chad Qualls.

The only thing that has impressed me about him is the speed in which he is able to completely blow a multi-run lead.  Just yesterday it was announced that Aaron Heilman will be receive most of the closing opportunities…this still doesn’t solve anything.  I think they should just call up a bunch of young arms and get them some experience.

Now moving on to some related but less depressing news.  A few weeks back Dee wrote an article that one of our friends and college teammates, Sam Eaton(Eat-a), was being considered for a job within the Diamondbacks’ organization.  Well, Eat-a received the call last Thursday that he was being called up, so to speak.  What fucking amazing news! The Sombrero Nation couldn’t be prouder of him and will be following his every step along the way.  I think GM Josh Byrnes should trade some bullpen arms in exchange for top-of-the-line supplies for Eat-a’s office.  Regardless, Eat-a needs to go in there and shake some things up- take a lesson from the pros: