This is the team I thought of before I learned what fantasy baseball really was. It’s a team of the ultimate MLB hotties, by position.

Remember, this isn’t just about looks. This is about the ultimate package: attitude, playing style, and for the pitchers- butts.

Now boys, don’t pretend this isn’t something you can relate to. Every Sombrero writer has an admitted male crush. During Gordon Beckham’s at-bats, Mike Rosenbaum resembles me as a twelve-year-old girl…watching Titanic.

Starting Pitchers:

Jair Jurrjens: He is SO good looking, that he actually looks sexy in his player card picture. NO ONE looks good in those.

Edwin Jackson:

Clayton Kershaw:

AJ Burnett:

Gavin Floyd:

Relievers:

Craig Kimbrel: If you’re into K:9 ratios, then Kimbrel’s got a big one.

Dave Robertson: Classic good looks + classic knee socks = perfection. His flexibility doesn’t hurt.

Catcher:

Buster Posey: He played at every position at college. Seriously. Every position.

*update- I am willing to nurse him back to perfect health.

Infielders:

1B: Justin Morneau

2B: Robinson Cano: DUH

SS: Ian Desmond

3B:  Ryan Roberts: His smile says “I’ll treat you real good…”

his tattoos say “…with my penis”

Outfielders:

Mike “I have a night-stick in my pants” Stanton

Justin Upton: He disappointed me last year, but I’ll always come back to him. He might as well be my boyfriend.

Logan Morrison: Lo-Mo took a foul ball off the face and played a double header the next day. I can’t say he’ll fare as well after a night with me.

and finally, my number one draft pick for 2011: Bubba Starling.

He’s got some tough choices ahead. MLB? Nebraska? My nude man-servant? Decisions, decisions…

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Top 1: Ian Desmond struck out swinging against Derek Lowe

Top 3: Desmond called out on strikes against Lowe

Top 5: Desmond reached on force out against Lowe

Top 7: Desmond struck out swinging against Cory Gearrin

Top 10: Desmond struck out swinging against Craig Kimbrel

Final Line: 0-5, 4K

Notes: Desmond’s golden sombrero on Thursday lowered his batting average to .215 and he has now fanned 37 times compared to only five walks.  Hitting second in the Nationals’ order, Desmond and three-hitter Jayson Werth both notched a sombrero.

Total 2011 Sombreros: 21

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It has been altogether too long since I have written for the Sombrero, and with the news of pitchers and catchers reporting on Monday morning, I knew that this amateur writer needed to report very soon as well.  It has been a terribly long offseason, and with a potential trip to Phoenix for Spring Training only a few weeks away, the thrill of a coming baseball season has gripped me once again.

I certainly hope that I’ll be chronicling another triumphant Pioneer run to the finals of the Midwest Conference tournament, adding to my “Four Ballparks” series, and once again extolling Ubaldo Jimenez’s virtues after ten wins and a 0.78 ERA in the season’s first two months. But for now, I’ll settle for a commentary on some of the offseason’s biggest headlines.  They may be old news, but I will begin by evaluating big offseason moves from the two franchises nearest and dearest to my heart.

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• The start to the final week of 2010 brought the disturbing news that FIU’s Garrett Wittels had been charged with the rape of two 17-year old girls while on vacation in the Bahamas.  Wittels, who currently holds the second-longest hitting streak in NCAA history at 56 games, is headed into his senior season and has a chance to make history- he is two games shy of tying Robin Ventura’s record of 58 games.  It is too early to know, or speculate for that matter, what type of impact the allegations will have on Wittels’ eligibility.

• With Carl Crawford long departed, the Tampa Bay Rays are hoping that rookie Desmond Jennings will fill the void in left field.  Jennings, who has comparable speed but less pop than his predecessor, will have Spring Training to prove to the Rays that he is the man for the job.  If not, Matt Joyce should have no problem manning the position.  Realistically, the Rays want Jennings to be their left fielder, so I’d expect a platoon scenario…at least until one of their two youngsters shows some consistency.

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When will that asshole Joe West be stopped?  On Friday night, West added to his already long rap sheet of abuse of power with his ejection of the Nationals’ Ian Desmond in the bottom of the 7^th.  After tagging from 2^nd to 3^rd on a fly ball to the center, Desmond over slid the bag with a pop-up slide but was called safe by third base umpire Paul Schrieber.  After Dusty Baker complained, the umpires lead by crew chief Joe West, gathered to discuss the play and ultimately ruled that Desmond was in fact out.  Frustrated with the ruling, Desmond dropped his helmet to the ground and was immediately ejected by West.  Much like when he tossed Mark Buehrle and Ozzie Guillen on May 26^th, the ejection was unprompted and absolutely preposterous.  Maybe it wouldn’t anger me and the rest of baseball so much if West didn’t immediately waddle off after the ejections, showing no desire to explain himself and avoiding confrontation at all costs like a complete coward.  What a country-music-singin’ asshole. It’s absurd that we are so concerned about the accuracy of umpires’ calls when we have fat assholes like Joe West sucking the life out of professional baseball games.  Despite it’s significance to the game, Jim Joyce’s screw up was part of umpiring and part of the game.  Joe West’s screw up(s) is just the product of him being a genuine, egocentric asshole.  Major League Baseball needs to step in and put a stop to Joe West before somebody decks him on the field- seriously.   Then again, I guess it’s hard to can somebody when they are already only being paid in Cracker Barrel gift certificates.